There is a particular kind of ache that comes with loving deeply in a relationship where love has no boundaries. It is not just jealousy. It is uncertainty. It is waking up in a man’s arms, feeling like his entire world, but knowing he walks back into another world when he leaves your side. It is the silence between answers, the questions that sit heavy on your chest, the quiet knowing that no matter how much love you give, you are not the only one he chooses.
And when you are the exclusive one, the woman who has poured herself fully into a man who has not made the same choice, the weight of that decision seeps into your bones in ways you never expected.
You may have convinced yourself that you could handle it. That love should be about choice, not possession. That you are evolved enough to embrace this kind of connection. But the truth is, when you have only ever loved one man at a time, when your heart has only ever given itself in whole pieces, stepping into nonmonogamy is not just a shift in relationship status. It is a shift in identity.
At first, you tell yourself it is working. Some days, you are a happy lover. Some days, you exist in the warmth of his arms and believe this is enough. But then the questions creep in.
Does he truly respect me in this dynamic, or am I just convenient
Do I feel whole, or am I being slowly drained, giving and giving until there is nothing left
Do I have a future with him, or am I just a moment, a temporary fix when he needs to feed his ego, when he needs to feel loved, when he needs something he cant name , when he needs to heal from wounds I did not create
Because looking at this situation from the outside, you already know you will be the one left to grieve. You will be the one who has to relearn how to be alone. You will be the one who has to be single while he secures himself in the hands of another.
You start to doubt your own decisionmaking. You start to wonder why you chose this when you had the option of something that could have been just yours.
I used to believe that only a real dirty nasty woman could be in a relationship with multiple men because how do you live with yourself being intimate with one and then the next with the other , how next moment you with another the next calling another my love , my sweetheart , my darling, my cupcake , my honey . How does a woman balance that? One minute she is lovey-dovey with one, then the next she is with another. Isn't that a lack of being satisfied with one partner? A lack of self esteem? Laziness And because of some reason, she cannot tell them, the only option is to stay with all partners and craft her charm to make a man understand.
I grew up thinking that was low of a man to let his woman be with others and still take her as his own. How does he allow her to fool around with multiple partners and craft every possible lie just to still make him hold on tight ? How a whole man be so naive ,A true mix of both, to have other men around and still be his. I used to think that was weakness, that was desperation, that was the last resort for a man maybe for a man who is about to dies and have no other option . How can another woman enter a relationship with someone who is married and in an open marriage and be with him, knowing the next day he will be in the arms of another? How is that even possible?
Then I remember a male friend told me once a man likes you times 10. He don't care if you like him as long as you stay That man don't even want to know if you like him or not. He just he's happy to be around. The kind that will trust you blindly despite all . The kind that like the way you lie , because to him its still truth .
Not every man right ?
There must be something wrong. There must be something missing because there are so many options, so many great single people.Why that married man ? Why that broken marriage? And the health concerns in these kinds of relationships. Do people really care about their health, or are they just fed up with life and do not care anymore? Are they just living in the moment, distracting themselves with multiple partners so they do not have to face their broken lives, relationships , marriages? Because if they sat down face to face with the devil, they would realize there is no marriage , they is no relationship left.
What about those who date married men or women? What part of their life is so lacking that they stoop so low? To not see that it is not even worth a trial. To not see that it is just like the fleeting wind.To not see they are being used to fix what they did not break .And is it not just gambling? Is it not that most people in these open relationships are just trying to use another to feel what their partner cannot give them? To boost their self esteem ? Or are they just greed to have multiply man , to fool , to take care of their lazyself , to have multiple woman to boost their ego , to feel alive ? What is the purpose in all of this? And what is the end result?
Because at the end of the day, some couples will still be a couples . The single party will be left one day. And then at least maybe they will believe their own differences are solved. But is there ever truly exclusivity after an open relationship, or is it always followed by more lies, more cheating, more tactics, more taking advantage of each other?
Maybe there is a better way to approach this kind of relationship. Maybe this is something that should be strictly for couples. Maybe it should be built in a way that at the end of the day they still have each other. Maybe they should still be the ones sharing nasty selfs late at night still be the ones holding each other when the world feels too heavy , still be the ones who know no matter what they have explored , no matter where they have gone they are each other's home.
Maybe there have to be strict rules when it comes to health. Maybe people should think beyond the moment beyond the thrill beyond the heat of the moment that makes them feel like they have escaped reality. Maybe people should stop acting like health is not a factor in this lifestyle. Maybe people should take accountability instead of pretending that risk does not exist. Maybe it is time to ask whether love without limits should still have some boundaries
But who cares , This life is like a canvas paint it how you want it .
But you are no fool. You knew exactly what you was walking into……
To be honesty you fool knew nothing at all , barely equipped with your heart on your sleeve. All you knew was this path was filled with uncertainty, with contradictions, with questions you may never get answers to. And yet, you walked in anyway.
Because love, no matter how painful, is still a teacher.
And this kind of love, raw, unbalanced, unstructured, teaches you things you could not have learned any other way. It teaches you how to sit with your discomfort. It teaches you to listen to the spaces between his words. It teaches you that transparency is not always honesty, that access to someone’s time does not mean access to their heart.
It teaches you that no matter how much you try to convince yourself that love without possession is enough, love still wants to be chosen.
And maybe the hardest lesson of all.
Loving deeply does not mean you must stay.Loving deeply does not mean you must lose yourself.Loving deeply does not mean accepting less than what you deserve.
One day, the answers will come. Maybe he will say them aloud, or maybe his silence will tell you everything you need to know. And in that moment, you will realize that you have been hanging in midair, waiting for something solid to hold onto.
But love, real love, should not feel like freefalling.
And when that moment comes, you will grieve.
You will cry in the quiet, feel foolish for having hoped.
And then, you will begin again.
Not as the woman waiting for answers.
But as the woman who has found her own.
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